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Saturday, November 08, 2008
it's hard to wait around for something that you know might not happen but its even harder to give up,when you know it's everything you ever wanted.
LIFE IS MEANINGLESS;
tears all seemed to have dried up somehow. nth seems to flow thru me. whatever i read or hear. it just passes thru me. or maybe in me and it settles deep in. i dun wish to react anymore. seriously.like i think what i've always wanted. was to be numbed and stuffs and tts exactly what i'm doing ryte nw. it seems to hurt so badly inside. yet i just brushed it off and be strong. tts exactly wad he does and i'm learning from e best i say. it's just wierd u noe how i'm surpressing this pain in me. i nvr knew i had this much strength. i'd always be a sucker @ keeping my feelings in or to numb it seriously.i'll just end up bursting my feelings out;be it to stranger or just someone approachable. seriously.i just cnt keep it bottled in. i'll just simply go crazy if i were to do tt. but now i'm doing it freaking well. tt i'm freakingly shocked @ my capability. seriously.e capability of just shutting up. and not breaking dwn unnecessarily. this is e person i wanna be.i dun wish to be sucha pussy.a fcuking girl who is forever crying.and just an emotional wreck. seriously.i hate it.i hate having to break down and cry and let it all out to a total stranger. or to trouble my bestfriends or my close dudes or dudettes.it's just ain't fair for them u noe. not like i'm e only one with all this. i think they're going thru enough alrdy. i dun nd to add in my sorrows and whims to their life too.sighs.i dunnoe.i just fl like i owe ppl too much.and i'm doing nth to repay them but instead i'm being so idiotic and giving them whims and whines and endless repetitive stories of my never ending life struggles. not like i'll die or anything ryte? ppl can still live in peace w/o love ryte? yeah i'm sure i can.i will. no matter how much i break within. i'll give him his happiness(: he dun nd me in his life.he just dun. he'll do better w/o me in it i guess.
WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE.
no matter how much it's tearing me apart to say this,i'll still say it. i'll love u gratifyingly even if it's just my soul hovering over u. and not my physical self being reliantly there for u.i apologise for this stupidity of me.i just fl like i bring trouble to ppl's life.and nvr happiness. no matter how much it's killing me inside;i'll want u to be happy.. only god knows how much i miss you already. my lonely weekends w/o you. hurting but i'll deal with it.i can do it. those places we've been to.will remain e most beautiful reminiscences ever created. i'll never ever forget a single moments of those memoirs i had with u seriously.it's tattoed in me. now and for e rest of my life. i cnt wait to see u for e last tyme.
GOD LED ME TO THIS;
i nvr ask to meet you, it just happened. i nvr ask to feel this way. it just came. i nvr ask to fall so deeply into you, it just did.
MY ACHING HEART. i dunnoe why i nd u so much. u're e motivation. e one who keeps me on my feet. e one who brings me much happiness. sighs.it ain't ur fault @ all.no. it's just me.i'm just too emo. i just suck @ controlling my emotions. esp so when i fall in love so deep for someone. after so long.sighs.i guess i cnt force u to love me. thus i'm choosing to walk away. it's not ur fault.just mine. really.all mine.all mine.stupidly mine. mine for falling for u.mine for loving u. seriously.it's simply my fault. ohwells.call me emo.say i'm beating myself over and over agn. u ARE NOT ME. U DUNNOE WAD E FCUK I FL. U DUNNOE HOW IT'S KILLING ME. TO BE FCUKING 19 AND HAVING TO WORK TO HELP SUPPORT E FAMILY. AND TT MY MONEY JUST DON'T DROP FROM SKY. YET I'M TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED. NOONE FCUKING UNDRSTDS ME. COS I'M ME.I DUN ASK TO BE UNDERSTOOD. COS TRUST ME IT'S DIFF TO UNDRSTD ANOTHER. ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS FOR SOMEONE TO STAND BY ME.HELP PICK ME UP WHEN I'M DOWN. JUST HUGG ME TO REASSURE ME TT EVERYTHING'S OKAY EVEN IF IT'S NOT.JUST TO STAND BY ME AND LISTEN TO ALL MY WHIMS AND LET ME CRY IT ALL OUT TO THEM. AND NOT CALL ME NAMES FOR IT.EMO KID OR WAD NOT. IS IT MY FAULT TT I SUFFER FROM SO MUCH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. PPL SAY MY PARENTS CHANGED. FCUK I CHANGE TOO.AREN'T I A FCUKING HUMAN? DARN IT.THEY TOOK SO FCUKING LONG TO CHANGE. I'VE ALRDY LOST MY PATIENCE.AND I CHANGED INTO A STONE FOR MY FCUKING FAMILY.I DUN FL ANYMORE FOR THEM. IT HURTS A LIL EACH TYME MY MUM CRY. BUT IT FELT GOOD SOMEWHAT MAKING HER CRY. COS TTS ALL THEY DO TO ME. ALL THEY GAVE ME WERE TEARS. EMPTY PROMISES!FCUKING EMPTY PROMISES. AND NOW WHEN I GAVE THEM A TASTE OF THEIR FCUKING OWN MEDICINE. THEY START GRUMBLING TO EVERYONE I'M UNGRATEFUL. I'M NOT A FILIAL DAUGHTER.AND THIS IS HOW I REPAY THEM FOR BRINGING ME UP. IF I HAD HAPPY GROWING UP LIFE. I WLDN'T END UP LIKE THIS. TO BE FORCED TO GROW UP IN SUCH ENVIRONMENT. TO BE CALLED HURTING NAMES AND STUFFS? TO BE PHYSICALLY ABUSED.TILL I BLEED AND STUFFS. I FORGAVE THEM RLY I DID.I'M GRATEFUL TT THEY CHANGED. BUT MY HEART.IT JUST DUN FORGET. I EASILY FORGIVE.BUT I SUCK @ FORGETTING. IT'S LIKE LIL IMPRINTS IN MY HEART.IT'LL STAY FOREVER JUST LIKE A TATTOO.IT'LL NVR FADE AWAY EVEN GIVEN TYME. I CNT BEAR TO HURT THEM PHYSICALLY BUT I DO IT IN A MORE CRUEL WAY.I DO IT EMOTIONALLY. IT'S FAIR AIN'T IT.WHAT U GIVE IS WHAT U GET. I JUST WANNA DO WHAT I FL IS MAKING ME HAPPY. AND MY FCUKING HAPPINESS HAPPENS TO BE WITH HIM. BUT HIS HAPPINESS ISN'T FOR ME. I JUST WISH I CN HAVE SOMEONE WHO RLY APPRECIATES ME FOR ALL TT I DO FOR THEM NOT AS A FRIEND BUT AS SOMEONE AS SPECIAL TOO. I DUN ND ANOTHER BESTFRIEND. NOR ANOTHER CLOSE FRIEND. I HAVE ENOUGH TO GO BY AND SURVIVE. ALL I ND IS SOMEONE SPECIAL FOR ME TO LOVE. AND TO CRE FOR AND VICE VERSA. I DUNNOE IF I'M ASKING FOR TOO MUCH BUT YEAH. SIGHS.EACH TYME I'M THERE FOR SOMEONE I'M JUST YET ANOTHER FRIEND.HAIZ.IT'S JUST SERIOUSLY HORRENDOUSLY INFURIATING. FCUKING CUNT OF A SLUT! ARGHS. I CNT TAKE THIS U NOE.ANY LONGER. WANNA BE FRIENDS?I DUN ND TT. WE'LL BE ACQUITANCE.IF TT WILL MAKE U HAPPIER. I'M BREAKING UP INSIDE.I'LL LET GOD SHARE THIS HEARTACHE WITH ME. I WANNA THANK HIM FOR NUMBING ME.IT RLY HELPS.
THANK YOU DEAR GOD THANK YOU GOD.I KNOW I'VE SINNED. WAYYY TOO MUCH.THINGS I SHLDN'T DO AND STUFFS. I APOLOGISES FOR ALL TT I'VE SINNED. AND ALL E TROUBLE I'D CAUSED. ALL E THINGS I HID TT CAUSED PPL TO SUFFER ALONGSIDE ME. BUT ALL I WANNA SAY IMPORTANTLY IS TO THANK YOU FOR ALL E MEMORIES I SHARE WITH HIM. FOR LETTING MY PATH AND HIS CROSSED ONCE(: IT WAS BEAUTIFUL RLY.IT WAS.I APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT SPENT WITH HIM. THOUGH I NOE HE ALWAYS WISHED HE'S SOMEWHERE ELSE AND NOT WITH ME.BUT REALLY I APPRECIATE JUST HAVING HIS PRESENCE WITH ME. SIGHS.I'M BABBLING TOO MUCH.BUT HERE'S E ONLY WAY I GET TO LET IT OUT. SO FCUKERS;U DUN WISH TO NOE WHAT'S IN MY LIFE OR TO NOSEYS.THEN ONE FCUKING ADVISE FROM ME. JUST FCUK OFF FROM HERE AND WANK URSELF DRY OKAY? JUST BUZZ OFF.I DUN ND ANYMORE NOSEY FCUKS.
