blog,
Thursday, October 18, 2007
gosh.sorry i need to rant.
hrmph.=((
*sobs.
my dad is being a
pain in e arse.
life really feels more
and more like a prison
@ home.sighs.
i just wanna roam free.
is tt wrong??
gosh.k now i fl guilty.
guilty 4 shouting bck
@ my dad.for venting my
frustrations @ him.
haiz.but @ tymes he just
tends to abuse me with
too much of his vulgarities.
tt i rly cnt tke it and
blow it ryte bck @ him.
will tt then be considered as
my fault?i mean there's
a limit 2 everything.just cos
i forgot one effing thing.
tt don't give u e ryte to
start scolding me tt bad.
not as if tmrw will nvr come
agn or sth.haiz..it hurts to
be in this kinda situation.
i wanna apologise.but i noe
i already crash his ego.
cos i literally screamed @ his
face.haiz.if only i cn be
like those ppl who just surpress
their feelings deep within
and later on NOT fl a thing bt it.
i wish i cn be like tt.but haiz.
i'm too much on my emo side.
i get affected over simplest thing.
ppl call me cruel names.i may LOOK like i'm
e least bothered over it.but deep in
it bites.trust me.it goes.it's like tt bacteria
tt slowly eats into ur skin to turn
u ugly.but this one it's biting onto my
emotions and turning me ugly inside.
haiz.i tried my VERY best to be e best
tt i cld.but to u.it was nvr best.
i wish i cld be like other kids who
dun need to bother abt studies.
cos they had undrstding parents.
but noooo.i hve to do well in studies.
WHY?cos he always say i'm e only hope.
haiz.though i resent to this.but
i noe it's also 4 e best of myself.
i force myself to go thru this.
be it i like it or not.haiz.@ tymes i wonder.
why is god so unfair.so as to give me.
such a family.and look @ me.i am so ugly.
i hve no looks.fat.family like forever shouting
@ each other.my loved ones always go away
from my life...all there is to my life
is UGLY-ness.haiz.noone to love nor love myself.
haiz.look @ others.they are pretty outside.
slim.gorgeous bods lahhs.loved ones.attn.
everything lahhhs.haiz.i guess.it's just me
lahhs.i shld hve just surpress deep in
ignore him.but noooo.i just HAD to shout back.
TSK!i'm such a bitch lahhs.
nora U GO AND DIE CN!!!
stop being such a nuisance in so many ppl's
life.i'm so effing stress lahhs.i cnt tke it.
but nvm.i dun wish to care.maybe it's
best being left this way.i hate to cry.
yet people ALWAYS make me cry.
cn someone at least me happy 4 once.
make me laugh non-stop.and not think of
anything but myself 4 a moment.
maybe one of my ex-es or last-tyme-friend-now-not
curses really came true=((thanks guys.
it's really nice.i guess things will nvr change
4 me.i hate hate life.don't u??
haiz.i lost all tt i want in life.
i HATE to be a doctor.but why am i
trying my FUCKING best to pursue it.
DAD if u EVER read this.listen to my heart.
this isn't my field.i'm afraid of blood.
i'm afraid of stitches.i'm afraid of syringes.
i'm afraid of operating and putting someone's
life in my own barehands.but i still
persevered.i continued.as i said.parents noe
best and what is good 4 us.i made many
sacrifices.but u both see none of them.
it just hurt me too blardy much.i rly cnt
tke this.@ tymes i feel like urghs.resorting
to unpleasant and unthinkable measures.
like u noe wad arr.committing suicide and
all tt shits.but i noe it isn't ryte.
my tyme to die just isn't here yet.i dun wish
to die tt way.i wanna die e way god has
predestined 4 me.haiz.i guess they just
don't see it.how i hve to suffer in a skul
i dun fancy in e first place.how i hve to survive
day by day.minutes by minutes in skul.
e boredom.e irritating-ness.haiz.they just
don't know.their tyme ARE WAYYY to different.
and it's also rather unfair if they wanna
like control me just bcos some of my COUSINS all
didn't turn out ryte.that's to me.too bad so sad.
who ask them to be so stupid.so as to do such
lowdown things.sorry.but i believe i'm religiously
educated.and my parents give me enough education
to HAVE BRAINS to EFFING HELL THINK!!i do think
before i do tt kind of IMPT issues.hello.
if so i wld hve been e same years ago.
when i was in sec 2.pls lahhs.if i wanted to.
i wld hve done all that.but i think agn.how
will it benefit me in any way.NONE.yes.
pleasure 4 tt few effing hours.then???
misery 4 e rest of my life.is tt worth it?
nooo....dad.pls spare me.u cn def trust me
i SWEAR i won't resort to do anything tt will
hurt ur ego nor make u embarassed.tt just
aint me.sorry.but really.it pains me.each tyme
i come home.u hve to SHOUT @ me.u dunnoe
wad i go thru in skul.maybe i had a bad day..
nooo.e moment i came home.TOOFFF.u start
shouting.@ tymes i think u not being home @ ALL,
is better than to hve u @ home.seriously.
and i noe.i'm NOT e only one who feels tt ways.haiz.
but well.wad cn i sayy.u always tot skul is
SUPER DUPER FUN~~ yea~~yeapy FUN kind.
but u nvr once saw i had to struggle thru.
how i was so fcuked up with myself
when i failed and had to repeat a module.
you just don't see it.gosh.@ tymes i wish u cn
get my cousins as ur daughter.those effing
dumbster.misused e freedom tt e parents gaf them.
such a waste.if 4 me.u let me go out to club.
to sleep over and all.i'll happily do all tt
but UP TO A LIMIT.i won't misuse ur trust.
haiz.i won't go sleep ard and get myself into
deep shits tt will hurt ur ego and to hve ppl
to question ur responsibility.i won't.haiz.
but u making me fl all cooped up @ home.
is like worst off.make me fl so stress.
i cnt tahan.skul is already enuff.
but u.u just HAD to add to it.haiz.nvm.
i shld be gr8ful tt god has given me sth.
sth to think abt.and maybe i shld be gr8ful
tt i hve somewhat a bliss life to think off.
rather than those out there who are suffering
more than me.but agn.i'm sorry i just needed to
rant it all out.4 if i keep it inside 4 too long.
it'll hurt me so bad.and ppl nt involve will also
get involve.and tt's not a gd thing.
DAD:i just wanna say i'm sorry 4 everything.haiz.i didn't mean to shout @ u.
but still u had no ryte to say all those mean things.it hurts.i unintentionally
did it.not say.i purposely forget.haiz.it happened.and i apologised.cnt u just forgive me?and let it go.haiz.but still i had no ryte 2 shout back @ u like tt.
sighs.i wish i cn say this to ur face.that i'm sorry.and pls do tke notice of things i do.and stop just picking my mistakes..haiz.it won't hurt u noe.if once in awhile u thank me 4 lil things i do 4 u.@ least it makes me feel appreciated.rather than just being asked to do this.do that.in e end.i still had to tolerate all these abuses. haiz.maybe it all lies in me.but whatever it is dad.pls forgive me.i shldn't be hurting u during raya.but well.haiz.so shld u not be hurting me during this period.
haiz.it's okayy.i guess i'll fl better after i wake up tmrw.i'm gonna cry myself to sleep.haiz.like usual.just today 4 a diff reason.haiz.gdbye.if u don't like rants.pls
kindly get lost.haiz.it may hurt ur eyes.and annoy ur ears and hinders everything else.kk i shld stop.b4 i electrocute myself or sth.haiz.tears all over my lap.TSK.
