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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
as e colour is.it's gloomy today. i had too much in mind.maybe too lil tyme to think.@ tymes when things just don't work ur way.it just made me succumb to tear-ing once again.as much as it isn't sth tt i wish 4 to happen. but it just do.i cried not because i'm a weakling.but i cried because i needed to let it all out in one way or another. i cried to let my emotions known somewhat. it really hurts so bad having to endure lots of afflictions & agony tt i surpressed deep within.i nvr wish to let be known. never wish to let ppl see thru my smile. but it just happens.& i hve no profiency in keeping my feelings subdue alwayss... they do surface when my patience & aches cnt be withstand already.when too much hurts that kills me softly.it's deadly as it does its job ever so cunningly.trust me.u just nvr noe. it came.and hit u ever so badd.i cried a tear or 2. cos i need to let it go somewhat.kai said it's dumb to cry.yes i admit it's true.i shldn't be sitting ard lamenting on my pathetic lyf.but instead to do sth to it that will benefit me...as in this world it still shld be i,myself & i.when u're buried.nobody comes alongside u.u're in it alone.u face god's judgement alone.so why u nd friends 4?when in e end it comes down to u alone.urself.& u.yes kai.tt too i admit.tapi 4 me.i just noe tt i did find a cry to laugh & cry with me.. i do.i hve her still till now.and for tt friendship matters alot.yes.i won't resort to quitting skul.it's dumb.sighs. maybe i ought to seek professional help.yes.i do hve e brains.e intellects tt got me this far.but @ tymes to me havings e looks is just as important.sighs.though it cnt get u too far.but it still gets u somewhere.got what i meant?sighs.yes i admit.i blamed it all on GOD.i blamed Him 4 always making life so miserable 4 me.cos i don't possess e ideal looks.the perfect body.e lustrous skin.e perfect eye colour.e pouty lips.e luscious sensation.all i am not.god tke away what i just began to love.and leave me with nth but grief & agony.i always ponders over why am i always unlucky? and also god nvr blessed me with a gr8 life.to hve a perfect family.to hve responsible & reliable family.sighs.instead he gave me monstrous siblings who just wldn't listen.though technically they are my blood..but ppl who are just niece & nephews were obediently listening to me.it hurts u noe.to hve siblings as such.@ tymes i just don't wish to acknowledge them cos they literally embarrassed me with their michief.that well got too handy for me to take things to my stride.how much tt ripped my ego as a sister.when ppl give me those stares. "eee e sister useless one.don't even noe how 2 discipline kids". mcm very e sakit hati ok?and ppl they just fcuking know how to look.but NVR help.urghhh.give them e job of a bitch.trust me they handled it like pro.give them e job to help & be a good samaritan they all shoot off all ways.urghh.it's painstaking to know that u're just being watched by useless eyes.tt know how to bitch but not be a kind soul to lend a helping hand.arghhs.my siblings cn seriously drive me to an early grave.sheesh.i honestly say.i rather tke cre of other kids than my own flesh & blood.sorry.i noe i noe.i shldn't say all this.it just makes me badd in terms of religion.like i'm going against god.sighs.i'm nt.but it gets frustrating when what u want isn't being granted.but more burdens are being put on ur shoulders. sighs.i'm sorry.i ought not to be lamenting abt life.but here i am still ranting & ranting.sheesh.anyways.i hope things just go bck to normal.i just hope it was all a nytemare.tt i'll wake up from tmrw. sighs.how much it kills to love.gosh..
to KAI:thanks once agn.4 listening to my rants & knocking sense into me agn & agn.
